In which she is CONTACTed by her ENERGY company

[zeborah]

The reason for this Contact is that my Energy company is getting new terms and conditions (boring pdf, don't go here, but in case you do I've removed the IP tracker part of the url).

I like to read terms and conditions even when I know that they could say "You agree to chop off your left arm and roast it for us with apple sauce. If we don't like your cooking skills you agree to try again with your left leg," and I'd reluctantly concede that I wasn't going to get a better deal elsewhere.

Today I created a summary as I went to stop myself clawing my eyes out.

Being a customer
We may use the personal information you give us for a number of purposes, including:

• helping you; or
  
• helping ourselves.

We won’t disclose your personal information to anyone unless:

• you ask us to;
  
• they ask us to; or
  
• we feel like it.

If you give us access to your property we'll read your meter.
Give us access to your property. This includes keys, security codes, a chainsaw to kill any trees in the way, a restraining order on your dog, the combination to all your safes, your True Name, etc.

If your meter is broken and you didn't do it, we'll fix you up.
Don't break your meter.
If your meter breaks and you take advantage of it, you have to fix us up. And maybe go to prison.

You have to pay us.
We may read your meter or we may take a wild guess. If you don't like our guess, you can read the meter for us over the phone. If we don't like your guess we'll laugh at you.
We'll send you bills. Then you need to pay them.
Seriously, you have to pay your bills. You can pay bills by:

• post;
  
• internet;
  
• phone;
  
• in person;
  
• cheque;
  
• credit;
  
• direct debit;
  
• automatic debit;
  
• indirect debit;
  
• convoluted debit;
  
• first-born child; or
  
• you know what? We don't care how you pay so long as we get the dosh.

If your money doesn't get to us, your electricity won't get to you.
In summary: Pay us.

Not being a customer
This agreement stops when we stop giving you electricity, unless you still owe us money.
We'll disconnect your electricity supply if:

• you don't pay us;
  
• you ask us to;
  
• you break our stuff;
  
• you steal our stuff;
  
• our stuff isn't safe;
  
• your property isn't safe;
  
• you're mean to us;
  
• you owe us money; or
  
• you did something else wrong.

Note that you'll still need to pay us.
If you've been disconnected and you want your electricity back, you can ask us nicely. And pay us. And do anything else we ask.
It's your responsibility to pay us.

Other stuff
If you need piles more electricity than usual, warn us and make sure it doesn't blow up.
If your electricity gets disconnected, don't stick your finger in the socket.
Our stuff belongs to us.
But if we have to modify our stuff to deal with your wacko set-up, you have to pay us.
Don't touch our stuff.
Keep trees away from our stuff.

More other stuff
Don't blame us.
We might pay out up to $10,000 if it really was our fault.
But seriously, don't blame us.
If something bad happens we'll get you your electricity back just as soon as we feel like it.
We may sell our rights or obligations to someone else, but you can't.
We may make changes to these terms and conditions and our prices when we feel like it.
If you don't like something, let us know. We'll either resolve your problem or tell you why not. If you don't like that, complain to someone else.

Glossary

• "business day" means a business day;
  
• "business hours" means business hours;
  
• "electricity" means electricity;
  
• "meter owner" means the person who owns the meter;
  
• "pricing plans" means the relevant pricing plans;
  
• "stuff" means any meter or associated equipment;
  
• "we" means us;
  
• "you" means you.

Headings are just there to make you think we don't want your eyes to glaze over.

P.S. We're increasing your electricity bill by about 10%. On the bright side, you can save money by paying us on time! Unless you're already doing that, in which case this would be a good time to ask your boss for a raise.

Comments

[zeborah]

Actually, on the really bright side, official asking-for-a-raise month is coming up at work. Moreover, last year, in recognition of my all round 200% coolness, they were going to give me a raise until they realised they only had enough money to move my anniversary date forwards by something like three weeks. Ergo, this year, in recognition of my all round 300% coolness, they're totally giving me a raise or else.

[poetrychook.livejournal.com]

That is a really, really good summary. And yeah, I think it's a matter of either asking for a raise or freezing your toes off. Or we could just burn wood and earn the wrath of the air pollution police.
In my no 2 job, I got my raise three months before I expected it, so no more for a while. And in my no 1 job, it takes about a year after asking for a raise for the boss to be in the office long enough to do anything about it. I suppose I could leave the no 1 job and offer no 2 job the use of my brain for more hours a week.

You forgot the other bright side - tax cuts. Coming to a neighbourhood near you on or around October 1st. (Enough to burn a light bulb for another hour a week or so).

[mjlayman.livejournal.com]

Yes, or else!