In which she rewrites the Hustle
May. 10th, 2019 09:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zeborahI like a good con movie. And I like a movie with lots of women in it. I'm not so much a fan of physical comedy (particularly the variety where people get hurt to the extent of risking concussion) but despite that I loved the Hustle.
Until the last 5 minutes.
So Penny and Josephine have just discovered that they've been swindled by the mark they were competing over. I forget what his name is, let's call him Mark. They scream at the sky for a bit, then we cut to the next scene.
In which Mark turns up, offers to team up with them, and low-key confesses he does in fact love Penny. And then they team up with him (apparently dropping Mme la Police and Albert like hot potatoes) and they all live wacky-hijinksily every after.
Argh!
I mean, you can have a con movie where the con artists are hoist by their own petard, see the original Ocean's Eleven. (Or don't. Honestly I suggest don't: I kept falling asleep. The remake is vastly superior.) That's not exactly what's wrong here but it took me some thinking to narrow down exactly what.
So, on first thought I was like nooooo nobody wants the dudebro, why couldn't they have shaken their fists at the sky and then turned to each other, petty rivalries put aside in a combined determination to take this jerk down once and for all, cue another half hour where they manage to pull off the most amazing hustle ever despite him already knowing that they're con artists with grudges.
But on second thought I had to admit that actually Penny wants the dudebro. The fat girl never gets the hot guy, as another Penelope once said shortly before her hot guy shot her and left her to die, thanks Criminal Minds. So the fact that Mark did genuinely like Penny is the ending she deserves (especially after having been stuck playing Hortense, not to mention all the near concussions and skin ripping, though one might argue those were in fact karma for pretending to be blind).
But the ending still didn't sit right with me and on third thought I decided this is because it really undercut Josephine. Josephine's motivation cum modus operandi is that men will never believe that a woman is smarter than them. And lo, here the man outwits the two women. Not cool.
A fourth important consideration is what the heck kind of movie is less than 90 minutes long anyway?
So, here's my rewrite:
Our Heroines shake their fists at the sky, put aside their petty rivalries, and start hunting down Mark and his little granny too. We're treated to the most awesome hustle of all time. Idk, how about they beg to be able to learn from the amazing Medusa, cue parallelism, it'd be artistic and/or comedic and everything. For bonus comedy/suspense, Penny and Mark each believe the other was only pretending to love them for the sake of the con. Anyway so Penny and Josephine thoroughly outwit Mark and are about to make away with his money but then Medusa (Judi Dench or maybe someone frailer-looking, who was it who played Super Gran? ah, good times) reveals that she's not been fooled one bit.
Things are very tense for a moment because Medusa.
Except then she laughs and everyone relaxes and she says she really admires their skills plus they make such a sweet couple.
And Penny says "What? We're not lesbians!"
And Josephine says "Actually, I'm a lesbian."
And Penny says "Oh, that explains a lot. Okay, but I'm totally straight, I'm so into the straight sex, I'd definitely have had straight sex with your grandson if he hadn't just been pretending to like me."
And Mark says "I wasn't pretending! I thought you were pretending!"
And Penny says "No I wasn't pretending! ...Wait, you like me?"
And Mark says "You like me?"
And then they kiss. Also Josephine and Mme la Police go out for that caesar salad and <eyebrow-waggle> dessert.
And then all of them have wacky hijinx together.
The End
PS: Then there is a sequel, and it is a crossover, and the name of the crossover is Ocean's Fourteen. ...Okay so Anne Hathaway has to play two separate characters but I think she can pull it off.
PPS: If you're still planning to watch the movie, be aware there's a post-credits scene.
Until the last 5 minutes.
So Penny and Josephine have just discovered that they've been swindled by the mark they were competing over. I forget what his name is, let's call him Mark. They scream at the sky for a bit, then we cut to the next scene.
In which Mark turns up, offers to team up with them, and low-key confesses he does in fact love Penny. And then they team up with him (apparently dropping Mme la Police and Albert like hot potatoes) and they all live wacky-hijinksily every after.
Argh!
I mean, you can have a con movie where the con artists are hoist by their own petard, see the original Ocean's Eleven. (Or don't. Honestly I suggest don't: I kept falling asleep. The remake is vastly superior.) That's not exactly what's wrong here but it took me some thinking to narrow down exactly what.
So, on first thought I was like nooooo nobody wants the dudebro, why couldn't they have shaken their fists at the sky and then turned to each other, petty rivalries put aside in a combined determination to take this jerk down once and for all, cue another half hour where they manage to pull off the most amazing hustle ever despite him already knowing that they're con artists with grudges.
But on second thought I had to admit that actually Penny wants the dudebro. The fat girl never gets the hot guy, as another Penelope once said shortly before her hot guy shot her and left her to die, thanks Criminal Minds. So the fact that Mark did genuinely like Penny is the ending she deserves (especially after having been stuck playing Hortense, not to mention all the near concussions and skin ripping, though one might argue those were in fact karma for pretending to be blind).
But the ending still didn't sit right with me and on third thought I decided this is because it really undercut Josephine. Josephine's motivation cum modus operandi is that men will never believe that a woman is smarter than them. And lo, here the man outwits the two women. Not cool.
A fourth important consideration is what the heck kind of movie is less than 90 minutes long anyway?
So, here's my rewrite:
Our Heroines shake their fists at the sky, put aside their petty rivalries, and start hunting down Mark and his little granny too. We're treated to the most awesome hustle of all time. Idk, how about they beg to be able to learn from the amazing Medusa, cue parallelism, it'd be artistic and/or comedic and everything. For bonus comedy/suspense, Penny and Mark each believe the other was only pretending to love them for the sake of the con. Anyway so Penny and Josephine thoroughly outwit Mark and are about to make away with his money but then Medusa (Judi Dench or maybe someone frailer-looking, who was it who played Super Gran? ah, good times) reveals that she's not been fooled one bit.
Things are very tense for a moment because Medusa.
Except then she laughs and everyone relaxes and she says she really admires their skills plus they make such a sweet couple.
And Penny says "What? We're not lesbians!"
And Josephine says "Actually, I'm a lesbian."
And Penny says "Oh, that explains a lot. Okay, but I'm totally straight, I'm so into the straight sex, I'd definitely have had straight sex with your grandson if he hadn't just been pretending to like me."
And Mark says "I wasn't pretending! I thought you were pretending!"
And Penny says "No I wasn't pretending! ...Wait, you like me?"
And Mark says "You like me?"
And then they kiss. Also Josephine and Mme la Police go out for that caesar salad and <eyebrow-waggle> dessert.
And then all of them have wacky hijinx together.
The End
PS: Then there is a sequel, and it is a crossover, and the name of the crossover is Ocean's Fourteen. ...Okay so Anne Hathaway has to play two separate characters but I think she can pull it off.
PPS: If you're still planning to watch the movie, be aware there's a post-credits scene.
