In which she waxes political

[zeborah]

There is a school of thought that women (and presumably other minorities) shouldn't sweat the small stuff when there are bigger problems to confront; that if we complain about a trivial matter, it will give men an excuse to call us oversensitive ("oversensitive" is the new "hysterical") and to ignore us when we complain about the bigger problems as well.

It is true that when a woman complains about a small thing, she is told "You're just imagining it. You're being oversensitive. It's not important. Don't make a fuss." She is told it so often that she begins believing it and she learns to shut up.

I was in a crowded train in Korea when a man started getting rather close. There was this lump pressing against me. I thought to myself, "I'm just imagining it. I'm being oversensitive. It's probably just his hand in his pocket. He's not doing it on purpose." I shifted away. He shifted to follow me. My theory on which portion of his anatomy was rubbing against me became untenable. I thought to myself, "It's not important. Don't make a fuss." And I walked away to another car of the train (in retrospect, leaving him free to molest another woman).

I wish now that I had looked him in the eye and told him in a calm voice for everyone around us to hear, "Please stop that."

But I wasn't then capable of doing that. I didn't have the confidence. I didn't know how to do it. I hadn't had the practice.

And that is why I think it's important for me to sweat the small stuff. Because it gives me the confidence, the skill, and the practice that if/when it becomes necessary to sweat the big stuff, I'll be able to do it. And if, when I sweat the small stuff, a man takes the excuse to dismiss me, too bad. It's not about him; it's about me.

On a happier note, a year later when I was in a ger camp in Mongolia and a drunken man came into my ger, checked out and moved on from each of the three empty beds, hid the light cord in the rafters, and sat on my bed, I did have something in me to get out of the bed, shove him off me, find my torch, tell him off in a mixture of bad Mongolian and incomprehensible-to-him English, shove him out the door, and even push home the bolt that until that moment of adrenaline had been hopelessly stuck. Of course for months afterwards -- even with that clear evidence of his premeditation! -- I thought, "I was just imagining it. I was being oversensitive. He just made a mistake." But in the moment I acted just as I needed to.


Random addendum:
And if my hysterical oversensitive demands make life difficult for those poor beleagured men? Well, recently I was looking up male and female life expectancy differentials. One 'theory' about why women live longer than men postulated that the adversity women experience makes us stronger. So really, if I make life difficult for men, I'm actually doing them a favour by increasing their life expectancy. No need to thank me, men. I'm happy to help.

Comments

[brownnicky.livejournal.com]

While I imagine the penis pressed up against you on the train was small, I wouldn't call that kind of behaviour acceptable and putting up with it is not 'not sweating the small stuff'. Anything which prevent women or any other minority having political/economic/religious and physical freedom is not small stuff either.

[zeborah]

Yes, that was certainly "big stuff". My point was that because I'd had it ingrained in me not to sweat the small stuff, I didn't know how to deal with even the big stuff. Sweating the small stuff (eg telling someone that something annoys me even when it does no 'real' harm) is practice for sweating the big stuff like this.

[aquaeri.livejournal.com]

I think you're quite right, firstly that asserting your rights about the small stuff helps you gain confidence in dealing with larger stuff. You're confirming to yourself that you have opinions and values and that you matter. Oppression/privilege really requires passive acceptance and helplessness to work, so even small countermeasures can be affirming.

But I can think of other reasons: I'm finding it's a very effective gauge of whether the people around me really will consider changing the larger stuff. In fact, I think more and more that that resistance is the most effective demonstration that it's not about reasonable or unreasonable, but about knocking people back to the passive acceptance and helplessness. The "oversensitive" arguments are rarely valid, and they'll have just as many counter-arguments if you only talk about serious issues.

I think sometimes it gets people thinking about why I'm worried about it, and whether it really is small stuff or not. In areas where I'm not the minority, doing the small stuff is an easy way to show I care without making a big commitment, and an example to others of the majority, which they might pay more attention to than the "desperate/hysterical" fuss of the minority person. (Unfortunate, but true).

I've noticed a lot of power games are really about everybody being insecure and lacking confidence, and hanging on to the power they think they might have in a miserly, desperate way. When you have enough confidence in your power that you're happy to share it, well, some people freak out completely, but many find it attractive, I think because it's rare, and it's actually what people are looking for.

[zeborah]

Wow, yeah. All that stuff. Word.