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The "Ask culture vs Guess culture" meme seems to be getting around and generating much discussion. On the Captain Awkward post's comment thread someone thought Guess culture = rape culture and Ask culture = consent culture.
My response got long enough that I thought I'd post here too (and am not sure if it successfully posted there after all that.) As follows:
I think rape culture is a dysfunctional thing, and either Ask culture or Guess culture can be functional and non-rapey.
Eg in a functioning Ask culture, a man can ask if a woman will go out with him and the question isn't itself intimidating; and the woman can say no and he won't take offense. And a woman can ask a man out and it's not skanky, and he can say no and it's not the most unheard of thing ever.
And in a functioning Guess culture, a man can pay attention to the cues that a woman's putting out (those 'she glances at him and touches her hair!' things or whatever) and if things look favourable then he can say hello and pay attention to the cues that result from that, and if she starts putting out unfavourable cues then he can politely end the conversation and walk away. And a woman can pay attention to a man's cues of interest too and respond accordingly (flirting).
In rape culture, a man can ask a woman out and she's not allowed to be intimidated even though if she says no he'll take offense. Because women are expected to only communicate by putting out cues even though men aren't expected - are even actively discouraged - to notice or abide by them.
And a woman can't ask a man out without insulting his manliness, and if she did he couldn't say no without serving himself up as fodder for jokes about his virility. And a man who tries to communicate by cues will be ignored because women are taught that men don't do that, they only ask.
Ask and Guess cultures have reciprocity, and responsibilities that match their rights: Both men and women have the right to ask and the responsibility to accept a no. Both men and women have the right to have their cues respected and the responsibility to respect others' cues in turn.
Rape culture breaks all of this. It's a systematic double standard designed so that men (but not women) can ask but don't have to accept no; and women (but not men) have to put out cues but can't expect them to be heard.
My response got long enough that I thought I'd post here too (and am not sure if it successfully posted there after all that.) As follows:
I think rape culture is a dysfunctional thing, and either Ask culture or Guess culture can be functional and non-rapey.
Eg in a functioning Ask culture, a man can ask if a woman will go out with him and the question isn't itself intimidating; and the woman can say no and he won't take offense. And a woman can ask a man out and it's not skanky, and he can say no and it's not the most unheard of thing ever.
And in a functioning Guess culture, a man can pay attention to the cues that a woman's putting out (those 'she glances at him and touches her hair!' things or whatever) and if things look favourable then he can say hello and pay attention to the cues that result from that, and if she starts putting out unfavourable cues then he can politely end the conversation and walk away. And a woman can pay attention to a man's cues of interest too and respond accordingly (flirting).
In rape culture, a man can ask a woman out and she's not allowed to be intimidated even though if she says no he'll take offense. Because women are expected to only communicate by putting out cues even though men aren't expected - are even actively discouraged - to notice or abide by them.
And a woman can't ask a man out without insulting his manliness, and if she did he couldn't say no without serving himself up as fodder for jokes about his virility. And a man who tries to communicate by cues will be ignored because women are taught that men don't do that, they only ask.
Ask and Guess cultures have reciprocity, and responsibilities that match their rights: Both men and women have the right to ask and the responsibility to accept a no. Both men and women have the right to have their cues respected and the responsibility to respect others' cues in turn.
Rape culture breaks all of this. It's a systematic double standard designed so that men (but not women) can ask but don't have to accept no; and women (but not men) have to put out cues but can't expect them to be heard.
