zeborah: Zebra with stripes shaking (earthquake)
[personal profile] zeborah
Seems like there's been a rash of #eqnz documentaries recently. I haven't watched any of them. There's also a (number of) memorial services coming up on the 22nd, to which I won't go. I thought for a while all of this was merely being tired of being interested, but I'm now sensing enough emotion behind it that I think it's actually at least partly avoidance.

(I can haz tears right now, apparently, which kind of settles that.)

The thing is that... There's a lot of things. 10,000 quakes and 17 months of being between quakes.

One important thing is that I can be sitting on a bus thinking about my mortgage, and out of the blue (or grey: I remember the shape of the cloud I was staring at in the sky) will be the wordless thought, It could happen again now.

Another important thing is that a little part of my backbrain, the part whose logic is pure emotion, sometimes wants it to happen again, one big final jolt. Because my backbrain apparently thinks that a) if I feel bad then it'd be nice to have something present to feel bad about and b) there is such a thing as one big final jolt without continuing consequences.

Another important thing is that sometimes, if I'm going to the tearoom for 15 minutes, I might leave my little bag with phone and keys and such under my desk. Not often. But sometimes. There'd probably be opportunity to grab it before evacuating anyway. --If I'm going to another building, though, not a chance.

(These things are important in triangulating where I'm at, but they're not important. I don't have PTSD or anything, I just have memories and emotions.)

Random assortment of interesting things:
  • The cheerful yellow sign letting people know that Animates on Moorhouse is no longer open, behind which one can see that the reason for this is that Animates on Moorhouse now consists of several piles of rubble
  • Signs advertising summer sales, which when one thinks about it turn out to be referring to summer sales a year ago
  • Graffiti on yet another demolition site reading Bad Wolf
  • Gapfiller's cycle-powered cinema "where Cycle Trading and Print Stop used to be"
Sometime hopefully this week I think my colleagues and I will be able to move back into the building we worked at up to a year ago. (Over the summer a building on either side of it was demolished.) So, there's going to be weirdness, possibly involving emotions or possibly just involving an anticlimax. Hard to tell at this point.
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